Reassurance x Relationships

The need for reassurance is a universal, human one. In fact, psychologist William James once said that the deepest human principle is the desire to be appreciated. We ALL benefit from reassurance, or affirmations and encouragement. I want to again emphasize the word ALL, meaning that women and men equally benefit from reassurance in a relationship.

Many are probably more familiar with and more comfortable referring to reassurance as 'Words of Affirmation'. Relationship counselor and author Gary Chapman considers such affirmations as one of the five main love languages in his best selling book, The 5 Love Languages. Chapman states, "One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up".

However, I often hear people say things such as, "Well, they should already know how much I love them. Do I need to remind them all the time?" or, "I am just not as emotionally expressive as them". This is where Chapman would respond, "The object of love is not getting something you want, but doing something for the well-being of the one you love".

The need for reassurance can stem from many things. Often it is a sign that someone is looking for comfort and security during moments of self-doubt, insecurity, or being overwhelmed, which are completely normal things to do. It does not mean you're an insecure person if you find yourself needing reassurance or validation. It takes courage to reach out and ask for support when you recognize that you need it. It is important to be empathetic of your or your partners need for reassurance, especially if they did not receive reassurance or affirmations growing up. For those who grew up with a heavy dose of criticism or neglect or who have a history of rejection, they may need to look outside of themselves for validation.

The need for reassurance also stems from the notion that humans are not isolated entities, our sense of self develops from our interactions with other humans. Therefore, there is an understanding that, to an extent, we need positive mirroring to feel good about ourselves and life.

Tools for reassurance in relationships:

1. Building empathy: More often than not people are simply seeking and empathetic ear and warmth. Rather than saying "You don't need to be afraid" someone would feel more reassured with something like "This is something new for you and that can be scary".

2. Genuine Curiosity: Depending on your relationship with the individual and your own comfort, it is okay to help your partner build their own awareness of their need for reassurance. Help them build awareness by asking questions or pointing out patterns. This can sound like "I notice whenever you go hang out with ____ you need a little extra reassurance about your worth" or "I notice that you've been asking for more reassurance than normal, what's going on for you lately?".

3. Patience: As I had mentioned for many people with a history of neglect or criticism it may take some time for them to get use to the security of themselves and the relationship or to understand how you show your love and affection in the relationship. Be patient with your partner as they learn how to show love and identify your love in the relationship.

4. Non-verbal Responses: Your partner doesn't always need advice. In fact, sometimes it is best to refrain from unsolicited advice giving. It is sometimes best to show your non-verbal support by a simple head nod or soothing words such as mm-hmmm, oh wow, or I see.

5. Align Your Actions With Your Words: Words are only as effective as the actions that show it. If you say you're going to be supportive and loving there needs to be actions attached to those things.

Some things worth reminding your partner of:

1. Why you love/appreciate them.

2. You are there for them.

3. How much you believe in them or how proud you are of them.

4. That you're still committed.

Keep in mind that if reassurance seeking has become excessive or is causing dissatisfaction, it is always best to seek professional counseling to address the needs of the individual and couple. For instance, research has shown that excessive reassurance seeking can be linked to depression and interpersonal rejection which are things that can be best discussed in a professional and therapeutic setting.

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Disclaimer

Information contained on this platform is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment or consultation with a mental health professional. It is not my intention to provide any services here, as I believe each person deserves real, ethical, quality services from a licensed professional.

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Resources:

Starr, L.R. & Davila, J. (2008). Excessive reassurance seeking, depression, and interpersonal rejection: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 117(4), 762-775. DOI: 10.1037/a0013866. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2008-16252-004